Herzog Videos review

Herzog Videos review | Mr. Pink's Porn Reviews
MrPinks.com review date - 05/30/2015

Overview:
Written in 1880 by Johanna Spyri, Heidi chronicled the adventures of a girl living in the Swiss Alps with her grandfather. Strange, then, that this is the novel chosen as the touchstone of adult film studio Herzog Videos. Proudly declaring their unique brand of alpine smut 'Heidi Porn', Herzog shoots hardcore porn way up in the mountains and dresses its performers in aprons and smocks, short jackets, long socks, and those funny felt hats that sit to one side and sport a pheasant feather. There's also cow milking, butter churning, and plenty of hopping from hillside to hillside in an attempt to score some sweet Heidi poon. Clearly decades old, Herzog's vintage porn might not be as crisp and clear as today's HD productions, but then again, we can't expect it to be. After all, this is a site that celebrates a bygone era of porn production from a place that's not usually on the porn fan's radar. As long as Herzog Videos stays true to its own premise and keeps its archives brimming with the best of its many, many adult movies, that $29.95 you'd pay to get inside won't seem like a waste. (Either that or you could let Herzog teach you how to make butter.)

Pros:
Home to a thriving collection of retro porn shot in and around the mountains of Switzerland, Austria, and southern Germany, Herzog Videos offers something truly unique. The costuming alone should clue you into what's in store for members: lively frolicking in the mountains that turns into impromptu sex romps in the sunny outdoors; couples fucking in a cabin by the fire; even Transylvania-themed horror epics and actual Heidi adaptations!

Some of the scenarios and situations seen in Herzog's movies simply boggle the mind (while probably getting you hard): a maiden milking cows and cocks, fireside erotic storytelling, and blowjobs in horse-drawn carriages are just the beginning. There's also communal camp bathing, reindeer herders getting it on during a slow season, and buxom bar wenches being groped by customers (and enjoying quite a bit, thank you very much).

Adding some 200 scenes since last Mr. Pink's ran a review, Herzog Videos is growing steadily thanks to updates that arrive three times each week. As part of the Stiffia network, those subscribing to Herzog, perhaps at the discounted rate of $14.95-a-month, also unlock one more Stiffia site for each month they stick around.

Cons:
Shot with German dialog, Herzog Videos' movies won't be understood by anyone who can't speak the language. There are no English subtitles, an especially disappointing move since Stiffia seems to be aiming for an English-speaking audience. It is, however, pretty amusing to not only hear guys announce their impending ejaculation in German but in forceful, stagey German.

Peaking in 576p resolutions, the movies produced and hosted by Herzog Videos can't exactly compete with the brilliant HD porn offered both of other Stiffia sites and many, many other Euro-porn sites. Many videos feature harsh colors, too-strong gamma, and overblown whites.

Those used to a more contemporary porno style will likely find Herzog's approach both ludicrous and quite unsexy. Men with giant curled mustaches traipse around in heavy flannel, find women milking cows or herding goats and seduce them, exposing their hairy armpits, ample bushes, and apparent disinterest in sex. (Really, many performers couldn't appear less excited by their partners.)

Obviously not exclusive, the entire Herzog archive has been released in home video formats and most likely digital formats before. You won't find this content littering the 'net or anything, but it is out there and won't just be found here.

Conclusion:
Heidi porn probably isn't the best descriptor for Herzog Videos' increasingly varied digital output. With recent updates proving more conventional and less outdoorsy than earlier installments, it seems Herzog has run out of alpine copulation and now draws from its catalog of BDSM-tinged hardcore of a more conventional (and indoor) nature. Hey, that's cool, though. Herzog could use a little variety… but it could also use some subtitles to help out non-German speaking audiences, a video remastering program to help its videos look as clean and vibrant as possible, and better translation of its often unintelligible text synopses. The movies are often strange and humorous - a gaggle of men being jerked to completion by women they've been fucking as a folk band plays in the corner and a barmaid pours the mountaineers fresh post-orgasm beers - but they can also be bland and far too ridiculous to be sexy. Whether or not Herzog's for you depends largely on, well, you.